Tautological Love
by RyryxYu
Summary: A failed suicide leads seventeen year old Clary Fray to group therapy only to meet a sarcastic, bitter but caring Jace Wayland who somehow breaks her heart of stone. Maybe love will finally give this time instead of destroying everyone and taking. How two people can change each other through mental connection is simply rare. A story of love, self-destruction, and angst. One-shot.


**Tautological Love**

_Playlist- Flightless Bird by Iron and Wine (Scene 1 and 2)_

_Therapy by All Time Low (Scene 3)_

_Karma Made Me an Arsonist by Outline in Color (Scene 4)_

_I've Had This Dream Before by Outline in Color (Scene 4)_

_Demons by Imagine Dragons (Scene 5)_

_Wonderwall by Oasis (Scene 6)_

_A Match into the Water by Pierce the Viel (Scene 6)_

_I Can Barely Say by The Fray (Scene 7)_

_These Times by Safety Suit (Last scene)_

* * *

_Cold. _Today was so very cold, not the weather though, it was sunny outside, but Clary's heart and mind were cold. As cold as black ice; so cold that everything else was numbing to her. Even though she burned her arms several times with the butt of a still lit cigarette, she still felt cold. Being only 17 years young, Clary really didn't see a reason to be alive. Every day was war for her, and it was a war that she was currently losing. She wished that love could save someone, but it didn't save Simon, it was more like love destroyed him.

Even after five years, there wasn't a day that Clary didn't go back to thinking about him. She couldn't live a single day being happy knowing that she killed her best friend that day. There was so much rain that day that you could have called it a storm, but it was sunny. Rain in the sun was something Clary thought was beautiful, but not that day because all there were on the streets was blood, a limp body without a heartbeat, and crooked Harry Potter glasses in which the lenses were shattered. One last scream for help and not even a proclamation of "I love you", Simon was gone in less than five seconds after his scream.

All her therapists had told her that it wasn't her fault but they couldn't get that fact into her thick skull. Every person who tried to comfort her, got pushed away in an instance. _None of them could replace him,_ Clary thought, _No one can ever be him._ If Clary were a star, then Simon was the constellation. If Clary were the constellation, then Simon was the moon. The reason it was cold for Clary Fray today was because it was Simon's death anniversary today and absolutely nothing could shock her out of her numbness.

Every other year, she cried in the bathroom with a knife in her hands, preparing to take her own life. Something always stopped her though, maybe she didn't want to die, maybe she should just live with the fact that she had killed her best friend that day and should live with the burden each day. It was the latter. So this year, she sat in the bath tub with burning water filling up nearly to the top and let the water consume her. She planned this, to grace her wrists and thighs with red ribbons so that she would bleed out and the water would burn her. She would drown in her own blood and finally be with him again.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Slowly, her eyelids opened and she saw a room of white. _Am I in heaven? _Clary began to think and smiled to herself until a gasp came from her left.

"You're up!" Her mother piped, "I'll go get the doctor." And left the room in a hurry. Clary looked to her arms and her thighs and saw that they were all bandaged up. With a sigh, her eyes danced around the room to look for sharp objects to take her life with. Nothing. _Absolutely nothing. _They cleared the room completely of sharp objects, not even the contaminated needle box was there.

Every few minutes, the monitor would beep lightly to show that Clary was alive. This agitated her completely, she didn't deserve to hear her own heartbeat. _Stop it stop it stop it, _she head cried and the saltiness of her tears began to meet her dry lips. Her mother and the doctor picked the worst time to walk in. Quickly, her mother cooed,

"Oh, Clary, it'll be okay." But she knew that this was not the Jocelyn Fray who mothered her. She was some air head replacement that was fake and acting. The doctor beside her had a face of indifference as if this was something he saw every day of his life. He looked like the type who really didn't give a crap and Clary believed that he didn't deserve to be a doctor. Did he really want to save lives and help people? Or was it just for the money? She shot him a glare and he only gave her a crooked smile that made him look more like a criminal rather than a doctor.

"So, Clarissa Adele Fray, what happened?" Dr. Whatever-the-hell-his-name asked, clearly knowing what happened.

"What do you think happened?" Clary asked with an icy tone to her. She really did not want to deal with bullshit questions that were irrelevant and redundant.

"Clary!" Her mother exclaimed, "Do not answer questions with questions, it's disrespectful."

_Like you? _Clary wanted to say but she bit her tongue and replied back to the doctor,

"I tried to kill myself which is something you guys should have let me done. So what are you guys gonna do now? Throw me into the loony bin?"

There was a pregnant pause of silence before the doctor answered,

"That choice is up to you, but we believe that it's between the Youth Psychiatry Unit or group therapy every day after school and on the weekends at 7 PM. Seeing as your mother tells me you rarely go out anymore and no friends ever come up to your apartment, you need a social life."

"Is there a third option where you guys screw out of my life. My life, my choice right?" Clary asked sarcastically with tad hint of anger in her voice. They didn't want to save her, they just wanted money. And money she can give to just leave her alone. "I don't need a doctor telling me what to do, I don't care about my life. Why do think I'm so keen on taking myself out then?"

"We're not going to let you die Clary, this is our job." Her mother spoke in. _Right, just a job. Nothing else. What's the point._ Clary thought and rolled her eyes at them.

"Fine, group therapy, are we done here?" She demanded with a scoff.

"I will go discuss the times with your mother outside now, if need us, hit the red button on the arm grip beside you." _Like I'll need you, Jesus Christ, just leave me alone. _And slowly, for what seemed like forever, the two adults finally left the room, leaving her in dead silent peace.

"I'm not crazy." She whispered after them, "I just don't need anyone to care about me unless it's him."

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

A circle. A damned circle of burgundy kiddie chairs and candy on the chairs. _You have got to be kidding me. _Clary thought, _Is this group therapy or indoor recess? _

Clary sat down on one of the chairs and the plastic of the chair began to creak. Rolling her eyes with huff, a velvety voice came from behind her,

"Are the chairs to your comfort? Get off it now unless you want to fall flat on your ass." And she turned around to look at the stranger with the beautiful voice but only seeing a glimpse of gold because like the stranger had warned, she fell flat on her ass and the plastic burgundy was cracked into pieces.

The stranger only laughed while Clary groaned because of a piece of broken plastic scratching at the cuts on her thighs.

"I warned you." He stated and sat on the ground in front of her, not even helping her get up. "Guessing you're new, never seen a ginger here before unless you're Maia who somehow whitened her skin and dyed her hair red."

"Asshat." Clary hissed at him, ignoring his looks and got up with a limp.

"Oooo, sassy!" The stranger laughed in a taunting tone getting up along with her. Clary wanted to punch him, not a girl punch, but the way she punched a wall so that it caused a hole. Clary only rolled her eyes though, quickly spun around and attempted to kick him where men shouldn't be kicked. He caught her leg and gave her a wink that only a player would give. "Little girl, you should know not to kick there you know? I've got places to put it and things to do with it." And gave her a panty dropping smile that almost caused her to break her fierce facade but she immediately came back with a retort.

"Would one of those places include a shark's mouth, because I think that's where it belongs along with your existence." She fluttered her eyelashes and gave him an innocent smile. He only smirked and let go of her leg and backed up.

"That is where my existence belongs, but sex is good and I can't give that up." He boomed with laughter but his eyes said something different which caused his frozen heart to ache a bit inside. "See you later Little Girl, don't sit on those chairs again." And he made his way to another room before Clary could say another thing to him.

Once again, Clary was alone in the room, and just a little bit inside, she had enjoyed a stranger's presence. Maybe it was because he was sarcastic and laughed about everything like Simon did, he reminded her of Simon. Maybe that was it. She waited for half an hour maybe for someone to show up; for the golden stranger to show up, but nothing. Just as she was about to leave, she heard a slight moan from the room where the stranger had disappeared. Being a curious cat that she was, she opened the door and let out a wide gasp,

"Oh my God!" Clary exclaimed with a horrified face and the stranger only said with a wink,

"Wanna join Little Girl?" And she quickly shut the door and sprinted outside the therapy centre to get some air for what she just saw. One side of Clary told her to throw up and forget about it, but another side of her wanted to go back and tell him off, she decided against both and tried to divert to another thought that was _happy._

_Happy. Happy, happy, happy. _Clary quickly scoffed at the thought of happiness and took out her iPod which was loaded with sad songs about longing for happiness, suicide, people leaving, and unrealistic love. Upon the process of plugging her earphones in, a tap came on her shoulder.

"Hi, I'm Isabelle. I'm guessing you're new unless you're Maia with whitened skin and red hair." The girl, Isabelle, was statuesque and had long, pitch-black hair; she was someone Clary wanted to draw along with the stranger she caught doing bad stuff in the other room if he wasn't such an asshat.

"Who's this Maia? I'm Clary. Not Little Girl, not ginger. C-L-A-R-Y. Clary." She spelled for the Isabelle girl who only laughed at her and told her to calm down.

"I'm guessing you met Jace, he can be a boob. Maia was this girl who had to go to the psychiatry unit, she went a bit insane." Isabelle explained, "So, _Clary,_" she began emphasizing her name, "What brings you here?"

Clary gave a light shrug and said, "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Well, you're new, so you have to. The counsellors require you to talk about your emotions and how you feel and shit."

"And what if I don't?"

"Then, they'll just put you with Jace and he can be very...convincing. Jace knows everything about everyone here, but no one really knows anything about him. Kind of mysterious I guess, but the counsellors have been trying for three years to get something out of him and he just shuts you out if you even try. He was better at taking out information of others' than giving out his own. You get what I mean?"

"No, I don't get what you mean and he won't get anything out of me 'cause I'm not telling _anyone_."

Isabelle gave a light snicker and flipped her hair, making her way back inside.

"Mhm, that's what they all said."

"I'm not everyone else." Clary said trying to defend herself.

"That's what everyone else says." Isabelle sung and her voice began to fade out as a group of people made their way towards the centre. Clary was met by 'hellos' and 'see you inside newbie' in which her only response was a glare and the crossing of her arms.

By the time everyone went in, Clary waited for a few seconds before following them in. _So the stranger's name is Jace_. Clary thought, _Why couldn't his name be something stupid or lame? Like Dante or Edward. But Jace, it rhymed with lace and pace which brings an elegance to him. Besides the fact that I caught him jerking off. _Clary, mentally puking heard laughter in the room she was in before.

"Oh my God, someone actually sat on the chairs! Do they not know it's only for props to look good? The counsellors with be so pissed off. I'm guessing it was that new girl, so whatever." A boy with dark, shaggy hair said.

Clary rolled her eyes and leaned against the door of the room, not wanting to go in and not wanting to face those people who will harshly judge her just like the rest of the world. She let out a sigh as she heard the people inside shuffling and sitting down in a circle and laughing. Rolling up her sweater sleeves , she looked at the scars that were drawn to her skin by her own hand. No matter how much she regretted doing this to herself, she knew she deserved it for killing Simon.

"I honestly think you should go inside Little Girl, we're all waiting for you inside." The same velvety voice were at the same level as her ears and she immediately dragged her sleeves down to her palms again. The stranger, Jace, placed his hand and took hers, "You don't have to cover them you know? Everyone has scars." And he walked back into the room, not joining the circle of laughter but simply remaining on the outside of it. Clary still remained at the door, unmoving, just to take a longer look at Jace who had his knees brought up to his chin. _He really is beautiful. High cheekbones, thin lips, dimples when he isn't even smiling, and gold eyes. Huh, gold eyes. _

"Hey! Are you coming in?" Jace yelled from his seat, looking directly into her eyes and stopping all discussion in the circle. "You can't just stay at the door you know?" After his last statement, there was a chorus of "yeah's" and "come on" from the circle. With a huff, she walked over to Jace and crossed her arms,

"So...can I sit beside you?" She asked with a tad of innocence that lightened the glare in her eyes.

"You can do whatever the hell you want, just don't touch me." He whispered, his eyes were like gold daggers shooting straight into her grass eyes.

"I'd never touch you. I'd never touch anybody." Clary said lastly before sitting down in silence. What she really meant was that she would never touch his heart, or anyone else's because that would mean them touching her stone cold heart as well, and she couldn't have that; she couldn't care for someone that wasn't Simon, not even herself.

"That's what all the girls say, unless you're not a girl of course." Jace smirked as the counsellors walked in and introduced themselves as Charlotte and Henry.

"We seem to have a new member to this group today, Clarissa Fray, would you like to stand up?" Charlotte beamed with a wink towards Clary who rolled her eyes and replied with a straightforward no. "Okay...Would you like to share something about yourself?" Charlotte asked another question with her peppy smile slowly starting to falter.

"Sure!" Clary exclaimed with fake enthusiasm and sarcasm, "I go by Clary. Don't call me Clarissa. _Ever_." Clary didn't know what came by her but all she knew was that she hated this place with a burning passion. She had always hated her full name since it sounded like some old grandmother's name.

"All right Clary." Charlotte chuckled at her fiery personality and began asking her more and more questions, "So do you want to tell everyone why you're here?"

"No." Clary said quickly.

"Would you like to know why everyone else is here?"

"I'm not nosy, so no."

"They'd be glad to tell you though! Wouldn't you guys?" Charlotte asked the circle who all responded with a yes, the only person who did not make a single sound was Jace.

"I really don't need to know. If they want to tell me, then they can but on their own time, not some therapy shit that they _have _to be at to share their own damn issues."

"I see that you're troubled Clary but everyone else is too."

"You don't know a damn thing about me." Clary quickly retorted, sounding a bit tired of this useless place she had to go to, but it was either this or the psych unit and between this and that, this was better.

"How about favourite colour then?" Henry butted in with an honest tone; more sincere than Charlotte's had been.

"Black."

"Like your soul?" Isabelle whispered to one of her friends and they both giggled like the elementary girls that had always picked on Simon because he had gawky glasses. This made Clary angry, she didn't want to even think about him, especially during _group _therapy in front of everyone.

"You look troubled Clary, what's wrong?" Henry pointed out and she realized that she had been knitting her eyebrows together in an angry form.

"Absolutely nothing. I don't even know why I'm here." She lied and it hurt her when she lied but when it came to moments like this, she had to.

"If you don't want to tell us in front of everyone, you can tell us personally Clary." Henry said in a soft tone.

"I'm not show and tell, if I had something to tell you, I would." Clary continued to lie and Jace was simply staring at her, beginning to open her mouth to say something again like a "screw you all", Jace finally spoke,

"I think you guys should respect her decision on not telling anyone. Me, of course would know better than all of you. So, stop pounding her with a million questions and reasons that she should tell you, she's obviously lying and you guys should know when to shut the hell up." Everyone looked at Jace as if he made a valid point, but to Clary, she knew that she didn't need someone to fight her battles for her. Especially because she didn't need anyone to fight for her or save her or fix her. She just wanted to be left alone and that was all.

"You're very right Jace, we're so sorry Clary. We're all here to be friends aren't we?" Charlotte apologized in a very unrealistic and fake tone of voice that made Clary want to throw up.

"Of course we are, because everyone here is just a lovely bunch of roses that I'd love to keep in the sun and take care of." Jace said, his voice dripping with sarcasm but Charlotte took it as a positive comment and said something that almost pierced through the ice on his heart.

"Maybe you would like to finally share Jace!"

Keeping his bravado on, he bluntly replied with,

"I was being sarcastic, quit being an asshole Charlotte. I get that I can be one sometimes, but at least I admit it. Stop acting like you're the innocent and don't know what's going on when we say we don't want to talk about our personal crap, okay?" Jace said to her harshly which caused the room to go silent until Isabelle became angry.

"You're being brainwashed by a girl who walked in here not even for an hour. You've never spoken to anyone like this, why are you being like this?" Isabelle demanded and pointed her finger at Clary with a glare. "Apologize to Charlotte, Jace Wayland."

Jace held his stare for long enough to say,

"I do what I want." He left the room and everyone turned to shoot Clary dirty looks and angry stares, some even scoffed at her and told her to get out. _As if I even want to be here._ Clary thought and joined Jace outside.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

He lit a cigarette and sat on the front steps of the therapy centre. Charlotte was absolutely full of shit, if there was an award for who was filled with the most bullshit, it would go to Charlotte. Jace let out a puff of smoke from his mouth and let the breeze blow past his disheveled hair that made him look all the more badass.

"You know, smoking's really bad for you." The Little Girl's voice rang through his ears. It was a pleasant voice that almost sounded like music.

"You know that I smoke to die?" Jace chuckled to himself and Clary sat down beside him.

"Can I have one?" Clary asked and Jace simply smirked at her and shook his head.

"Are you even eighteen years of age?"

"Are you?" She snorted and he handed her a cigarette. "Hmm, this is my first cigarette." She stated twirling it in her finger. _That I didn't burn myself with. _She added inside her head, "Give me your lighter." As Jace watched her light up the cigarette, he looked to the freckles on her cheeks and how they made her look youthful and innocent, but then he looked into her eyes and all he saw was broken glass. Clary didn't put the cigarette in her mouth but she began drawing on the cement of the stairs with it. "I really don't like the smell of it, putting it in my mouth would just make me throw up. I really don't like throwing up, hurts my throat after. Numbness is better." She smiled as she drew a single eye that looked fearless.

"You're really good but you just wasted one of my cigarettes, so pay up." Jace stated and she only rolled her eyes at him.

"I'll pay you with music, okay?" She said taking out her iPod.

"Then it better be a good song Red."

"Trust me, it is." And stuck an earphone in his ear and one in hers, they both began bobbing their head to _Karma Made Me an Arsonist by Outline in Color. _

"This is pretty damn good, but don't ever waste my cigarettes like that ever again. Got that?" Jace warned and she simply laughed. "So, are you going to tell anyone here why you came here."

"Nope!" She smiled lightly and shook her head. "They can imagine all they want for why I'm here. Maybe I had cancer, maybe I'm a depressed piece of shit, maybe I'm an arsonist; they can guess all they want but I'm not telling anyone. If you even try to get anything out of me, you're going to regret it. How about this, I came here to make at least one friend, can you just be my friend for an hour or half of that even?"

"Sure. Whatever you want Red." Jace smiled and she leaned her head on his shoulder, "Your hair's very curly you know?"

"Yeah, I know. It's a curse."

"Not really, it's pretty damn soft. Almost a suitable pillow."

"So, are _you _going to tell anyone why you're here?"

"Does anyone really care? I mean, they're getting paid to talk to us and let out our feelings and I'm just better at keeping them in until I burst out at a wall or something. So no, there's no point." Jace shrugged and Clary nodded.

"I respect that. And don't even bother asking me to do a trade for trade, this isn't Pokémon."

"Glad someone understands." He said sarcastically but she quickly caught his sarcasm and told him,

"I don't need to understand because no one ever will. I don't feel how you feel and you'll never feel how I feel. We're different people with different minds and different bodies."

"You're very right about the different bodies part." He smirked and Clary automatically blushed at his reference to earlier. "Don't worry, you'll never see it again, I just had to get rid of the problem."

"You should have gone to a bathroom or something, that's what I would have done."

"Doesn't get me excited as much knowing that a red headed girl with cute freckles might walk in on me doing something inappropriate to myself." Jace gave her a wink and that made her mouth drop, "You should close your mouth unless you really want something in it." He suggested sexually and she quickly closed it.

"You're very dirty and crude you know that right?"

"Of course I do, I'm Jace Wayland, sex god extraordinaire."

"Does everything have to be sexual to you?"

"Not everything." He whispered, "Not the things that matter."

"How is it that I've known you for less than an hour and I feel like I know you but I honestly don't know anything about you?" Clary asked contradicting herself.

"You know me better than any person already Miss Clary." He said to her without sarcasm; it was just honest, something Clary hadn't expected.

"That's nice to know." She commented and finally lifted her head from his shoulder. She felt empty all of a sudden-not that she hadn't felt empty before but this was a whole new feeling of empty. The earphones still in both their ears began playing _I've Had This Dream Before_ and they just looked at each other-gold into emerald and emerald into gold- and quickly took both the earphones out. "I should walk home now, thanks for being my friend for an hour and a half Jace." Bundling up her earphones around her iPod, Clary got up and jumped down the small steps and beginning to take long strides.

"Do you want me to walk you home?" Jace offered catching up to her within a few seconds.

"Does Mr. Jace Wayland want to be my friend for the full hour?" Clary teased and he gave her an amused smile that said _sure._ "Yeah, you can walk me home. Haven't had a guest since—" And she quickly cut herself off from the thoughts of Simon flooding in again. "Yeah, you can walk me home and might as pour yourself some orange juice and eat some cookies I baked too I guess. I don't really live far away from here."

As they walked together closer and closer towards Clary's home, Jace felt his fingers drawing closer to Clary's tiny hands. He stopped himself and shoved them inside the back pockets of his dark pants which held his packet of cigarettes and phone.

"This is my home." Clary announced pointing to the apartment building glass door. "We have to climb five flights of stairs, that okay with you?" As Jace opened his mouth to reply a yes, Clary quickly cut him off with her laughter, "Yeah, you have no choice, climb the damn stairs."

Jace chuckled and held the door out for her,

"Then what was the point of asking?"

Clary shrugged as she walked in and Jace trailing right behind her,

"I don't know, just felt like it." They jogged up the stairs together until they reached the fifth floor. Neither of them were panting for breath and both were calm when they reached apartment number 214.

Unlocking the door, Clary felt strangely safe next to Jace and knew that tonight she wouldn't hurt herself; not while he was with her anyways. She found some strange reason to smile as she opened the door, but quickly the smile faded as she turned to face him again,

"Welcome to my humble abode." The place was a mess to Jace compared to his simple white room, with a white table, a white lamp, a white bed, and a white floor.

"Hmm…it's uh-nice." Jace hesitated for the word, the apartment was very colourful, more colourful than he had expected.

"My mom's an artist if you're wondering. She decided to paint the whole damned apartment a gazillion colours of the rainbow." She explained and walked over to the fridge pouring him a glass of orange juice.

"So what are we going to do?"

"What do you want to do? I thought I was just going to give you some orange juice and some damned cookies then you'd leave."

"I can leave right now if you want me to."

Clary really did not want him to leave, it was almost as if he had touched her icy heart and began to make it melt. That scared her to the point that she had to take one big breath before responding to him again.

"I think you should go."

"I do what I want Ginge." He sung and it pissed her off. "We can watch a movie y'know? What do you have?"

"I don't have movies." That was a lie. She had a whole resource of illegal movie links that they can watch but she just wanted him to get out at this point.

"We can go graffiti some walls."

"It's not even night yet." She retaliated getting madder by the second.

"Clary?" He asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just need you to leave."

"Can't do that, you just invited me in." And he gave her a devilish smirk and took one entire gulp of his orange juice and placed it on the counter. "Get me your laptop, we're going to stream some illegal movies Miss Fray. And don't tell me you don't have a laptop either or a computer, because I will flip your room upside down until I find it."

"Isn't that considered theft?"

"Not if you invited me in to see all your stuff."

"I'm not getting it for you." She said crossing her arms.

"I'll find it myself." He challenged and she squinted her eyes at him with ferocity and challenge.

"Good luck with that, you'll need it. No one knows where it is."

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Inside Clary's room was a pile of papers and sketches on the floor. Plenty of punk rock and heavy metal band poster plastered on her walls. _This room is a goddamned mess._ Jace thought as he looked under her bed and found her laptop. He gave himself a smirk and pulled it out with the words, _that was easy,_ going through his mind. After he pulled out the laptop, he decided to snoop to see what else was under her bed.

There was a only a box. A brown and black box labelled, "Hey, Hello, Good bye". He lifted the lid and found a set of blades resting in a small black box on the side. He would confront her later about it and then throw the damned blades out, he slid the box in his back pocket and looked to see what else was in this mysterious box. Photos of her a rat like boy on the playground, a sand pit, and what seemed to be a birthday party. There was also a chain inside with the word _Forever _on half a star. _Must be some boyfriend. _Jace inferred.

"Why are you looking in that box?!" Clary's voice boomed with anger and sadness. "That's _my _stuff! You can't touch _my _stuff!" She looked at Jace with tears at the ducts of her eyes and Jace said something he never thought he'd say,

"I'm sorry." It was sincere, never had he been in this position before of finding other peoples' things; it was always the other way around.

"Did you take anything?" She cried, "I want you to get out right now."

"You can't have these back." Jace said to her, waving her box of blades in her face. "I'll get out now but you're never going to self destruct again, you hear me?"

"Get. Out. And don't tell me what to goddamn do." She hissed menacingly.

"Honey, you're going to have to see me every day you'll be thinking about those blades but not being able to do it. Think of it as I'm helping you." Jace's voice rung out as he headed out the door.

"The hell I am!" Clary yelled and he laughed at her. He _laughed _at her.

"Of course you are princess." And that was the last thing he said before Clary went insane and grew out of breath; seeing only black and splotches of gold as her surroundings. She sunk to her knees and looked through the cupboards for some sort of drug she could take to relieve the pounding in her head.

Finally, after ten minutes of rummaging through the cupboards and medications being knocked to the ground, she found her Naproxen-pain killers- and shoved the entire bottle of pills down her throat. All she was trying to do was stop the pain; to numb it, but within a matter of minutes, she fell to the ground and her head began bleeding hard. All she felt was sleep and that was all she needed right now because without her blades, it was the closest thing she had to dying.

As Jace found the nearest garbage can to dump the blades out in the hallway, he heard a crash of items splattering to a floor and a few moments later, a thud. He ran. As quick as he possibly could, Jace was a lion at this point; brave and fierce and having a motivation to find her, needing to know that she would be safe before he left.

The door of apartment 214 was left wide open, an arm came into view from the floor of the kitchen. Jace ran to her quickly and dialled 9-1-1, no way in hell was she going to die in his arms. He rested her head on his lap and smoothed out her hair, whispering,

"Hold on okay? Hold on, you can't die. Not yet." Jace took in a sharp breath when he saw white foam coming out from her mouth and sirens played through the neighbourhood. He blocked out the sound of the paramedics rushing up the stairs to come and get her, nothing mattered at this point when a life when in his hands and possibly playing Russian Roulette with itself.

When the paramedics rushed in, Jace had insisted on coming in the car with her since her mother was not here. And strangely, they let him on with her. This was all new to Jace; caring about someone. And this scared the hell out of him; not being in control of his emotions and attaching himself to someone who would leave soon. He was being stupid and he knew that, but something about this girl had triggered memories for him-really good memories-which he hadn't seen in so long.

"I'm sorry." He whispered to himself as they reached the hospital. He was sorry for screwing up, he knew he screws up everything and everyone good in his life. But broken was what he was and no one could fix him.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

"How are you Clary?" Jace asked her alone at the centre, the two of them had always came early. After he had saved her, she felt resentment towards him. She wanted to _die _and he took that away from her. Clary simply stopped talking altogether after she had gone out from the hospital. Today was her day back at the centre and the last thing she wanted to do was talk to him. "Clary? Are you ignoring my question?"

She simply stared at him and glared, _Why do we have to be alone?_ She thought and turned to walk away. Jace quickly caught up to her grabbing her covered wrist.

"Why do you run away from your problems?" He asked sternly and began a rant, "All you ever do is run away, did that boy in the photo love you? Because if he ever did, then he wouldn't you to be in goddamned pain. Look at what the hell you're doing to yourself Clary! I'm sorry if everyone sugar coats everything with honey and sugar but I'm not going to do that." He yelled raising her sleeves up to reveal her scars and she had her hand up and slapped him.

And he continued his rant,

"Slap me if you want, I don't give a freaking shit. If you want to destroy yourself, just know that I'm not going to let you. I _don't _care about you, but as long as I know that your life might be in my hands, I'm going to do whatever the hell I need to stop you from self destructing." He said menacingly to her, it was like Jace cared but he didn't. Jace knew that he cared which is why he had to hide the fact that he did, because that would destroy his walls that he took so long building. Every time someone had come into in life, he added another brick to his wall, so it seemed that when Clary came in, he had almost completely bombed his wall down. "Do you hear me?"

Clary had only glared at him with red eyes and tears flooding down,

"You're nothing but a fraud and a hypocrite, you're not God, you're not him, so you can't stop me from anything. It's not like you're not running away either, you won't tell anyone your goddamned problems either so don't make it like it's all my fault. How is this even your problem anyways?"

"And I admit that I'm everything you say that I am, but I don't care. We're talking about your shit, not mine."

"I _hate _you." She emphasized and bit her tongue from crying further more.

"Princess, you've only known me for a week and I've saved you already. You don't hate me."

"I hate you for letting me through this pain. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"A lot of things are wrong with me, things that you can't solve and that's okay. You deserve to live, you'll find out soon enough." _I don't _He added in his head.

"And how, may I ask, do you know that?"

"I just do. You live for the ones you love. I love no one, you love him. So live for him. There's a goddamned reason why you're here. So stay."

_So stay. _Clary scoffed and walked away to the girl's washroom, locking herself in a stall. Oddly enough, Jace followed her in until she came out from crying.

"Just so you know, I'm not sorry for saying those words to you. You needed the truth." Jace said to her as she came out from the stall.

"You're not even supposed to be in here, you're a guy."

"And you're a girl. Plus, I needed to go so don't use that middle sink."

"You peed in the goddamned sink?!" Clary exclaimed as another girl came into the bathroom and looked at the both of them. "Get the hell out unless you want man pee on your face." And the girl with mousy brown hair ran out terrified of what went down.

"Well, I couldn't exactly pee beside you. You'd wonder why I was standing up and not sitting down. Plus, I like to see Mr. Jace Jr. to remind myself of my fabulousness." He waggled his eyebrows and pulled her down next to him on the ground. "I guess I'm sort of sorry, but not fully."

"You are really confusing you know that?" Clary said to him.

There was an awkward silence between them until Jace spoke up.

"1999, March 1st my mother died of a brain aneurysm. Summer 2004 around August, in the shed behind my house, my dad locked me in a room to watch him torture a bunch of women. Winter 2008 in November 18th, my birthday, my dad started going even more insane than he already was and began throwing kitchen knives at me, one sliced at my arm. I don't go home anymore, I just roam around jumping from place to place. The only good time I ever had with my dad was when he let me take a spaghetti bath on the birthday before my mother died. He loved her, and maybe that's why he went insane. I don't care anymore. You know, they try to pull things out of me, and these things you can't just force someone to say. If I wanted to tell someone, I'd tell them. I'm not going to ask that you console me, or tell me that it's okay because it really isn't. You've been here for a week whereas these people have been with me for three years and they couldn't get anything out of me. It's like you're some kind of vixen coming in and breaking down my walls." Jace ranted and Clary just went in shock, not crying anymore just panting from everything he had spilled onto her. "I'm sorry for telling you this. I'll go." He quickly said and got up and left.

She began comparing her life to his, even though the point was not to compare pain, Clary did it anyway automatically. He had it worse than her-way worse-but he always managed to keep sane or look it anyways. Whereas she had no control at all, he managed to keep everyone in line. She didn't deserve life, but Jace? Jace did.

Slowly, Clary picked herself up and chased after him. She needed to apologize for going into shock like that. She didn't deserve someone like him; someone that loved others but needed someone to love him, Clary couldn't be that person for him.

When she found Jace, he was sitting on the steps again, smoking two cigarettes at once.

"You say I run away, but you do as well. You really want to know about me? Fine, cheers to not running away." And she grabbed one of his cigarettes from his mouth and placed it between her own lips. At first, she coughed but soon got the hang of it. Jace did not laugh at her foolishness with the killing device in her mouth, but only stared at her because he had nothing to say.

"Five years ago, I wanted to go see what a college party was like since there was one across my street. I tried dragging my best friend-Simon-with me to the party. He was against me sneaking in, so he followed me and by the time we got to the other side of the street, the party was over because there were rumours of police coming. So when we were walking back, we J-walked and the man behind the wheel was drunk, so he ran him over. I was the one that should have been dead but he pushed me aside before there was any damage done to me. I can't live with myself knowing that I killed my best friend and it's been five years and I'm still not dead. I'm breathing while he's six feet under the goddamn ground rotting with bugs trying to eat his skin and bones." Clary started crying, she hadn't told anyone this-how it burdened her to the point where she needed to die.

There was silence until Jace stomped out his cigarette and pulled hers out of her mouth and stomped on that one too.

"You really don't know how to smoke. And you really don't know that it wasn't your fault that he died protecting you. You didn't kill him; you're not a murderer. And I'm not trying to console you and all that bullshit that no cares about. Why do you do this to yourself? Because you think that you don't deserve to breathe because someone loved you?"

"You're not gonna sugar coat shit are you?" Clary laughed and hiccupped because of the tears choking her back.

"Honey, I never sugar coat anything unless you want me to sugar coat things in a totally different way." He said winking at her chest.

"That's goddamn perverted and just to let you know, I'm still a virgin, so you can't touch this."

"Of course I can't." Jace replied sarcastically with a smirk that almost made her want to take off her pants and give it to him to burn. "My smile makes you want to give your pants to me doesn't it?"

Clary looked at him in shock and asked,

"Did I say that out loud?"

Jace gave out a booming laugh that made her blush the colour of her fiery, red hair.

"Jesus Red. I think we can become friends, you think? Unless you still _hate _me of course." He joked referring to what she had screamed at him earlier.

"Well I'm sorry if you were being a complete and total asshat."

"Apology accepted."

"So...friends?"

"Friends." He ended and without warning, he grabbed her right arms and lifted the sleeve of her sweater to unveil her scars. Lowering his head, he kissed them and looked up into her eyes. "Promise me you'll never hurt yourself again."

At this point, Clary was crying again, this was a boy-a sarcastic and bitter asshole who didn't sugar coat shit but tried to make people happy-who was kissing her disgusting and ragged scars. This was the boy who recently became her friend that she supposedly hated and he was kissing her scars and asking her to never hurt herself again.

"I thought you didn't care." She cried and wiping her tears at the same time with her spare hand.

"I was lying to you and myself. Please just promise me that you won't do it again." He begged and continued to kiss scar by scar until he kissed the last one and looked up again into her eyes.

"I can't do that." She whispered.

"Then I'll just have to be the knight in shining armour protecting my fair maiden, won't I?" He whispered back. His head leveling back to her face and he was inching closer and closer towards her.

"Jace?"

"Yes beautiful?"

"This isn't what friends do."

"Then let's not be friends." He whispered and she froze. How was it that in the span of one hour, they had went from enemies, to friends, and then to something else?

"That isn't a good idea." Clary whispered back but not pulling back.

"It isn't a good idea, you're right." He stated and her face washed over with sadness and confusion, "It's a great idea." He said lastly smiling at her and slowly placed his lips on hers. Somehow, this moment worked. How a boy and a girl-one more broken than the other- could accept each other so easily. Maybe it was the start of disaster, but it'd be a beautiful disaster, would it not? As Clary broke apart for air, she was smiling at him even though she did not want to, she did.

"I'm still sorry about what happened in the bathroom."

"Let's not talk about that, it's okay."

"Like you said, it's not."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay."

"Okay?" Jace repeated perplexed.

"Okay. We won't talk about it, but we don't talk about Simon then." Jace groaned and gave her a puppy dog eyed look. "Puppy dog eyes? Really? No, we don't talk about me, we don't talk about you."

"Fine. There's nothing really you can say about what happened to me, sure, I still feel suicidal sometimes but maybe now I won't feel it as much."

"I can't promise you anything though Jace."

"You don't have to but I don't want you hurting yourself and if that means watching you and just being with you, I'll do it."

"You're saying it like I'm a burden, even though I know I am."

"You're not, I just want to be with you. No sarcasm this time."

"So, what are we now then?" Clary asked and leaned her head on his shoulder like she did the first time they were on the steps.

"Well what do you think this is?" He asked and gave her a peck on the lips.

"That you should probably meet my mother stage." She joked.

"Are you serious?"

"Are you?"

"Whatever you want Clary, whatever you want."

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

They had been dating for a month and Clary had been the happiest that she had ever been in years. Maybe it was what he did for her or who he was. When Clary stumbled on to the box that she had cried over for years, she felt a rush of sadness overcome her again. It was as if the guilt and all the pain that Jace had taken away for awhile were back again.

This was an immense trigger for her, it was like a sign that Clary shouldn't be happy; that she didn't deserve Jace. And it was true that she didn't deserve Jace but maybe this darkness should have stopped following her a long time ago, but it was like a dead puppy, you miss it and love it so much that you just can't let go. This was the box of memories for her. Memories that she should have burned a long time ago. Maybe Simon wanted her to forget, but maybe he didn't.

Clary was confused to what she should do but the automatic thing that she turned to for relief was the kitchen blades. She hadn't held a knife or a blade in her hands for a month, now she was holding it again and after she made the first cut, there was a knock on the door.

"Hey Clary? Are you ready?" Jace called from the other side of the door. He had a bouquet of roses in which he had the thorns snipped. Tonight was the night that he would tell her he loved her, and even though it had only been a month, Jace hadn't looked at another girl for a month or felt lust towards another woman. He was patient when Clary had asked him to wait and didn't feel like they needed to rush anyways.

"Just a second Jace!" She called back, quickly throwing the knife in the sink and running to the bathroom for band-aids and alcohol wipes. "I have to put on my dress first, just a wait okay?" She said again. Clary heard a laugh through the door and he yelled back,

"Better hurry up then, otherwise I'll kick down the door and ruin your virtue." This caused Clary to go into panic and drop bottles of lotion and a mug in her bathroom cupboards. As Jace heard the crash, he didn't even hesitate to call out her name but knocked down the door and ran towards to where the sound was. "Clary?" He asked when he stood at the door of the bathroom and he looked towards the broken cup and the bottles of lotion on the floor. His eyes then flashed to the red on her wrist where a perfect slit was engraved.

"I'm sorry." Clary quickly apologized and began to ramble. "It's just that I found the box and I felt guilty. I saw the knife and I'm just an impulsive idiot." Jace only stared at her with furrowed eyebrows and quickly flashed his eyes away to the first-aid kit on top.

Jace had gone all out for this night, even bought a suit and a proper tie so that he would be good enough for her. But all he had to focus on now was treating her wound. Wrapping the white fabric around her wrist, Clary kept whispering apologies. Jace felt numb, that maybe she didn't love him back; didn't love him enough to stop hurting herself anyways.

"Stop." He said when he finished wrapping her wrist. "Apologizing."

"Then what do you want me to do?" Clary exclaimed and let out a scoff.

"I want you to be able to come to me and tell me how you feel."

"Feelings are stupid." She said throwing her arms in the air.

"But you feel them and you can't just bottle them up."

"Maybe I want to bottle them up, I don't want to burden you." Clary tried defending herself but Jace looked as if he had been slapped on the face.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you're not a burden? Do any of the things I say even matter to you?" Jace cried, at this point they were screaming at each other.

"MAYBE I AM A BURDEN AND I DON'T ALWAYS NEED TO BE SAVED JONATHAN CHRISTOPHER WAYLAND."

"I NEED SOMEONE TO SAVE CLARY."

"WELL, I DON'T. WHY DON'T YOU JUST RUN OFF TO YOUR SAVIOUR JACE? JUST RUN." She yelled and poked at it chest.

"SHE'S IN FRONT OF ME RIGHT NOW AND I GODDAMN _LOVE _HER BUT SHE CAN'T EVEN DO THE SAME FOR ME!" Jace yelled and it turned Clary into shock. They were both breathing heavily by this point, giving each other looks that none had given before.

"I can't." Clary said and ran to her room, slamming the door.

Jace had dressed so nicely for her, that when he broke the news that he loved her, she would say it back. Instead, he had yelled at her in a screaming match and there was regret that filled his mind. He didn't mean to say it at that moment. He knew love scared her, so maybe he should have waited, but somewhere deep down inside of him, he knew that she loved him as well.

Jace rose from the toilet seat that he had been sitting on and opened the door to her room,

"Clary?"

"Can you please just go away right now Jace? I need...to think." She hesitated, part of her not wanting him to leave but the part that scared her the most was that she could possibly love him. And love destroyed everyone-everyone being Simon. She laid on her bed, covered by the blanket so that she couldn't see him.

"I don't want to leave you here alone."

"I need to be alone. I'm like a bear, I need to hibernate." Clary tried to joke but there was no laugh on his side.

"Well, I'm like a deer, I need to be there for you."

"I don't think we're right for each other, Jace. Maybe we need time." Had she really said that? Jace's breath caught and he choked on words,

"I-Clary." He stumbled for the right words but only came at, "What? Why?"

"We...just...aren't." Was all she gave him and while she said that, she held back the feeling in her throat when she was about to cry.

Clary peeked through her blanket and all she saw was a droplet of water rolling down his face. Jace had cried. And guilt hit her conscience when she saw the life in his gold eyes sucked out by her one simple phrase. He quickly wiped away his tears and walked out silently.

"If that's what you want Clary." He said lastly. But before running into the night, he left the bouquet of roses on her bed, then he took out his pack of cigarettes and began smoking as he walked out in pain.

OOoOoOoOoOoOo

It took her a day after their break up that she decided she did love Jace. And she did screw up grandly, but she couldn't tell him that. Not while he was hurt; and she was still afraid.

Clary would have had to see him again in therapy, she would have to see all his hurt and his pain. As she hit the steps of the centre, she saw a line of people in front of the door with Isabelle crossing her arms and shaking her at head at Clary.

"What the hell did you do to him?" Isabelle asked with venom and hatred in her voice.

"What? Did something happen to him?"

"Why don't you just get the hell out of here Clarissa Fray? You've hurt him and nobody hurts Jace."

"What happened?!" Clary demanded and the pitch of her voice rose a bit higher. She was desperate and she could not deal with Isabelle of all people at this point.

"He took pain killers last night because you broke his heart. His heart hurt so much because it was breaking. He loves you. And he was waiting for you to call him and tell him it'd be all right and they you would get back together in no time. When I called him, he said he was waiting for you. He waited all night for you Clary."

"Where is he?"

"Away from you; he's safe."

"_Where _is he?" She repeated

"Hospital, he's not coming back here anymore, he's going into the psych ward. He checked himself in. I really hope you're happy with this decision Clarissa Fray." Isabelle whipped her hair as she turned around and led the other people inside. They gave her looks of disdain and disgust.

"I'm so sorry Jace. I do love you." She whispered.

"You really should have told me then." A velvety voice came from behind her. It was the same one that she had met him with. "And just so you know, I love you too."

"What? How? But Isabelle said..."

"Isabelle can be a bitch and a great actress, she made it all up." He chuckled and continued, "Except for the part about my broken heart and staying up all night and the pain killers."

"So, you guys all joined together just to lie and get me to confess to you or what?"

"It was their plan, I just went along with it. Anything to get you back Ms. Fray."

"I don't like you guys at all right now." She shook her head with a embarrassed smile and waterworks erupted again from her.

"I swear, you're like Niagara Falls but I love you, otherwise if you were someone else, I'd push you into a bush." He joked

Laughing, she ran and hugged him, soaking his shirt with her tears,

"God, I love you." She proclaimed and he chuckled.

"I'm not God Clary, but I've been told I look like him...especially in bed." And he gave her wink. "And don't worry, I love you too for as long as I live and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then."

"Is it the moment where we kiss and run off on your white horse into the sunset?"

Jace took in a sharp breath and smiled at her,

"Well, I got no horse, there's no sunset right now, and I've got no car. But sure, we can kiss." He slowly lowered his lips to hers in which she quickly pulled him to her, making their lips crash for a desperate and loving kiss.

Maybe love destroyed some things, but it also gave. All Clary had to do was simply wait and maybe it was worth it.

As they broke a part, Clary whispered into his ear,

"I promise."

"Promise what?"

"I won't hurt myself anymore if it hurts you."

"It will always hurt me if you hurt yourself. We're soul mates. If I was away from you, it would hurt, every second, every millisecond, and every nanosecond."

"What's a soul mate without a mate? Just a lonely soul." Clary said back and kissed him once more before linking their fingers together and walking away from the therapy centre. They weren't perfect, they weren't right for each other, but simply no one was. Physical attraction was common for most people, but Clary and Jace weren't most people, they had a mental attraction that was rare and that mental attraction just happened to be love. Love that was the soul, the mind, and the body.

* * *

**A/N: **Whattttttt? I'm not dead? Woah! I'm just on hiatus for my multi-chapter stories because of my exams coming up. So, I wrote a 10,000 word one-shot for you guys that took 2 weeks. Plus, I have no ideas for my other stories anyways. I have never written something this long, and it's ONLY for you guys! I swear. This is unbeta'd, none of my one-shots are because they're one shots. This was humongous, I can't even, I'm so done. I understand that the playlist was really long but this one-shot was long. It would be great if you listened to the songs while you read it, especially the last scene. To answer an anon's question in one of my stories, I'm a girl. Okay, this all for my author's note but remember! HIATUS UNTIL SPRING BREAK (MARCH 20TH) FOR ALL MY MULTI-CHAPTERS.

-Ryan


End file.
